04 January 2008

The Battle of Wits has Begun!

Dread Pirate Clemens: Inhale this but do not touch. [hands him a syringe and a vial marked “B-12”]

George Mitchell: I smell nothing.

Dread Pirate Clemens: What you do not smell is called lidocaine and B-12 powder. It is colorless, odorless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more powerful steroids known to man.

[Dread Pirate Clemens draws two syringes out from his jersey, does something with them while his back is turned, and then puts them both on the table. ]

Dread Pirate Clemens: All right. Where is the lidocaine? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both inject, and find out who is right... and who is suspended without pay for 50 games.

George Mitchell: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of baseball player who would put the lidocaine into his own syringe or his investigator’s? Now, a clever man would put the lidocaine into his own syringe, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the syringe in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the syringe in front of me.

Dread Pirate Clemens: You've made your decision then?

George Mitchell: Not remotely. Because lidocaine comes from BALCO, as everyone knows, and BALCO is entirely staffed with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the syringe in front of you.

Dread Pirate Clemens: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

George Mitchell: Wait til I get going! Now, where was I?

Dread Pirate Clemens: BALCO.

George Mitchell: Yes, BALCO. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the syringe in front of me.

Dread Pirate Clemens: You're just stalling now.

George Mitchell: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten every hitter in baseball, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the lidocaine in your own syringe, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the syringe in front of you. But, you've also bested my investigators, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that oil-based steroids last longer in the blood than water-based steroids, and that HGH is undetectable anyway, so you would have put the lidocaine as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the syringe in front of me.

Dread Pirate Clemens: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.


Dread Pirate Clemens: Then make your choice.

George Mitchell: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be?

George Mitchell: [George Mitchell gestures up and away from the table. Clemens looks. George Mitchell swaps the syringes]

Dread Pirate Clemens: What? Where? I don't see anything.

George Mitchell: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. First, let's inject each other. Me with my syringe, and you with yours.

Dread Pirate Clemens, George Mitchell: [they inject each other in the butt]

Dread Pirate Clemens: Guessed wrong.

George Mitchell: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched syringes when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never sign an aging veteran coming off a career year, but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go in against a former Senator when your career is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...

George Mitchell: [George Mitchell stops suddenly, and falls dead to the right]

Buddercup Selig: And to think, all that time it was your syringe with the lidocaine.

Dread Pirate Clemens: They both had lidocaine. I spent the last ten years taking lidocaine and B-12, and by “lidocaine and B-12”, I mean "HGH and steroids". And I’m retired now, so there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it.

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