ADD Test for MLB Players

Rob Neyer mentioned in his blog today that during the Congressional hearings on performance-enhancing drugs Tuesday, MLB was asked why so many of its players sought and were granted exemptions for amphetamine-like drugs used to treat Attention Deficit Disorder.

According to John Tierney (D. - Mass), the MLB rate is about 8 times the national average for ADD, and while I think it sure is possible that the crybaby millionaire primadonnas who play major league baseball have only 1/8th the attention span of the Average American (who himself, as it happens, has only 1/8th the attention span of a can of Cheez-Wiz), it's more likely that they're just using this as a loophole so they can keep using amphetamins and the like. neyer asked if they even administered a test or anything for the players or if MLB's doctors just rubber-stamped the requests.

Well, with a little research, I have found the test they used, and reproduced it here for your perusal. See how you do.

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Pre-Diagnostic Questions

1. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD or any other psychiatric/ psychological disorder?
No Yes

1a. Did you diagnose yourself, like, just now? That doesn't count, you know.
Oh, alright, we'll let it stand.
No Yes

2. Do you have any parents, children, or siblings who have ever been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD or any other psychiatric/psychological disorder?
No Yes

2a. Anyone at all?
No Yes

2b. Really? C'mon, you can think of someone.
No Yes

2c. There, that's better.
OK.

3. Do you use drugs or alcohol excessively? (Besides "Vitamin B-12" *wink-wink* and rubbing alcohol to clean your syringes?)
No Yes

3a. Well, why the hell not? You're really missing out here!
Sorry, I'll get on that right away.

4. Do you have any parents, children, or siblings who use drugs or alcohol excessively?
No Yes They're passed out. I'll ask when they've had a chance to sleep it off.

5. Do you have any serious problems with your memory?
No Yes

5. Do you have any serious problems with your memory?
No Yes

6. Do you have any parents, children, or siblings who have dementia or serious memory problems?
No Yes

6a. Isn't that fun?
YES!

7. Do you have any parents, children, or siblings who are mentally retarded?
No Yes Does "not believing in on-base percentage" count?

8. Have you ever been diagnosed with a neurological disorder, such as epilepsy?
No Yes

5. Do you have any serious problems with your memory?
No Yes

9. Do you have any chronic health problems?
No Yes

9a. "Constantly being hounded by blood-sucking reporters" does not count as a health problem, Mr. Bonds.
Sorry.

10. Have you ever had a serious head injury (where you were knocked dizzy or unconscious)?
No Yes

10a. Mr. Fosse, we already know about you. You don't qualify for this program.
Sorry.


Past History

1. Is there a history of ADD symptoms in your childhood, such as distractibility, short attention span, impulsivity or restlessness. ADD doesn't start at age 30.
Never Raurely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently I Had a Childhood?

2. History of not living up to potential?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

2a. Mr. Drew, feel free to skip this one.
Thanks.

3. History of frequent behavior problems in school?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

3a. Mr. Bradley, in my office, right now, mister!
Yes, Sir.

4. History of bed wetting past age 5?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Eeewww...

5. Family history of ADD, learning problems, mood disorders or substance abuse problems
Never Occasionally Frequently I'm not here to talk about the past


Short Attention Span/Distractibility

1. Short attention span, unless very interested in something?
Never Occasionally Very Frequently I'm sorry, what were you saying?

2. Easily distracted, tendency to drift awa....
Never La-de-dah Very Frequently I'm sorry, what were you saying?

3. Lacks attention to detail, due to distractibility
Never Rarely Never Frequently Never

4. Trouble listening carefully to directions?
There were directions?

5. Do you frequently misplace things?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently

Very Frequently

6.Skips around while Rarely reading, Very Frequently or ? goes trouble Occasionally staying to the end on track Frequently first,
Never

7. Difficulty learning new games, because it is hard to stay on track during directions?
Never Occasionally Frequently I'm good. I only had to learn baseball.

8. Easily distracted during sex, causing frequent breaks or turn-offs during lovemaking?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

8a. Dude, you should really do something about that.
I know.

9. Poor listening skills?
Never Rarely Frequently There's audio on this test, too?

10. Tendency to be easily bored (tunes out)?
Never Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

10a. Please turn off your iPod and finish the test.
Sorry.


Restlessness

1. Restlessness, constant motion, legs moving, fidgetiness?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

1a. Mr. Garciaparra: have you ever stopped moving?
No Yes qqqmqmyyyrr whhhy...

2. Has to be moving in order to think?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

2a. We always just assumed that you had to pee, Mr. Mazzone.
10 minutes til Judge Wapner, I'm an excellent driver, Definitely not wearing my underwear...

3. Trouble sitting still, such as trouble sitting in one place for too long?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

3a. Yes, we know. That's why you're not a manager anymore, Mr. Bowa.
Sorry.

4. An internal sense of anxiety or nervousness?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

4a. Not just about your job security, Mr. Cashman.
Oh, Right.


Impulsivity

1. Impulsive, in words and/or actions (spending)?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

1a. Please don't try to justify yourself, Mr. Angelos.
Sorry.

2. Say just what comes to mind without considering its impact (tactless)?
Never Rarely Frequently Who needs tact? I'm rich and important!

2a. Yeah, Hank, we've been meaning to speak to you about that...
Uh-oh...

3. Trouble going through established channels, trouble following proper procedure, an attitude of "read the directions when all else fails"
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

4. Impatient, low frustration tolerance?
Never Occasionally Frequently AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!

5. A prisoner of the moment?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

5a. A prisoner of Venezuela?
Probably for the rest of my life.

6. Frequent traffic violations?
Never Occasionally Frequently Preparing for NASCAR...

6a. If Sidney Ponson, please hand your carkeys to the bartender and get a cab.
Yes, sir.

7. Frequent, impulsive job changes
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

7a. Yes, going back to the same job two months later counts, Mr. Epstein.
Gotcha.

8. Tendency to embarrass others?
Never Occasionally Frequently Special answer for Mr. Santana: And proud of it!

9. Lying or stealing on impulse (no, not just bases)
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

9a. Mr. Rivera, put that back and get out of the clubhouse.
Damn.


Poor Organization

1. Poor organization and planning, trouble maintaining an organized work/living area
Never Occasionally Frequently I own the Royals...what good is planning?

2. Chronically late or chronically in a hurry?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

2a. No, Mr. Olerud, you just run really slowly.
Oh.

3. Often have piles of stuff (money, drugs, girlfriends, SUVs, etc.)
Never Occasionally Frequently Yeah, Baby!!

4. Easily overwhelmed by tasks of daily living
Never Rarely Frequently I can't even decide which BMW to drive!

5. Poor financial management?
Never Occasionally Frequently Did I mention that I own the Royals?

6. Some adults with ADD are very successful, but often only if they are surrounded with people who organize them, (like Brian McNamee or Scott Boras).
Never Occasionally Frequently My Attorney will answer this question...


Problems Getting Started and Following Through

1. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

1a. Other than in Spring Training?
No, not really.

2. Starting projects but not finishing them, poor follow through?
Never Occasionally Frequently Yeah, but I have cat-like reflexes...

3. Enthusiastic beginnings but poor endings?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

3a. Maybe being a Closer wasn't the right line of work for you, Mr. Chacon?
You're telling me.

4. Spends excessive time at work because of inefficiencies?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

4a. Taking extra batting practice because you don't like to talk to people doesn't count.
Sorry.

5. Inconsistent work performance?
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

5a. Oh, by the way, the manager wants to see you in his office.
Uh-oh...

Negative Internal Feelings

1. Chronic sense of underachievement, feeling you should be much further along in your life than you are
Never Occasionally Frequently You've noticed it too, huh?

2. Chronic problems with self-esteem
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

3. Sense of impending doom
Never Occasionally Frequently We're all gonna die, man, we're all gonna die!

4. Mood swings
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Weeeeee!!!!!

5. Negativity
Never Rarely Dammit Crap This Sucks

6. Frequent feeling of demoralization or that things won't work out for you
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

6a. Maybe you should have thought of that before you went into such a difficult profession?
Too late now.


Relational Difficulties

1. Trouble sustaining friendships or intimate relationships, promiscuity
Never Occasionally Frequently Hey, Baby, what you doin' later?

2. Trouble with intimacy
Never Occasionally Frequently No, I go into Macy's all the time.

3. Tendency to be immature
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

3a. Stop holding your breath and answer the question.
My head hurts now.

4. Self-centered; immature interests
Never Rarely Frequently My video games are all marked 'M' for mature.

5. Failure to see others' needs or activities as important
Never Rarely Frequently What others?

6. Lack of talking in a relationship (infield chatter doesn't count)
Never Occasionally Frequently Heybattaswingbatttaheahbattaheybatta

7. Verbally abusive to others
Piss off Rarely Bite Me Frequently F*** You.

8. Proneness to hysterical outburst
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

9. Avoids group activities
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Yeah, man, calisthenics suck.

10. Trouble with authority
Never Rarely Frequently I find authority, authority always wins.




Writing/Fine Motor Coordination Difficulties

1. Poor writing skills (hard to get information from brain to pen)
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

2. Poor handwriting, often prints
Never Rarely Frequently Why do you think I'm donig this on a computer?

3. Coordination difficulties
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

The Harder I Try The Worse It Gets

1. Performance becomes worse under pressure.
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

1a. God help you if you ever make it to the postseason.
Thanks.

2. Test anxiety, or during tests your mind tends to go blank
________ ________ ________ ________ ________

3. The harder you try, the worse it gets
Never Rarely Frequently Isn't this the same as Question #1?

4. Work or schoolwork deteriorates under pressure
Never Rarely Frequently This is definitely the same as Question #1.

5. Tendency to turn off or become stuck when asked questions in social situations
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently Very Frequently

6. Falls asleep or becomes tired while reading
Never Rarely Occasionally Frequently ZZZZzzzzz....

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In Summary, if you answered all the questions on this test, you do not have ADD/ADHD, regardless of how you answered them. Seriously, who sits there answering silly questions for this long?